0220 Suicide

Last modified by TLE Archivist ONE on 2023/05/09 02:55

0220 Suicide

Posted on February 20, 2014

Many of you know that I have Self Destruction as a primary CF, but I personally have never been suicidal. Many of you also know that I had a boyfriend kill himself when I was younger (24). A few months after he died, I started dating a very odd and wonderful King cast Artisan from c2e7 who had his own struggles with depression. We dated for two years, then stopped having a "relationship" and continued as friends. We always lived right by each other for ten years and saw each other regularly. As long as I let it be on his terms, I got to keep him in my life and I was glad for it, as I'm about his only real friend and only girlfriend that anyone knows about. He moved to California right after I had Morgan, and he became even more withdrawn. Still, I'd get the odd call and we'd talk for hours into the night. I knew to only ping him from time to time, and he'd generally take my calls.

He moved back here in 2012, but it was very difficult to get him out. Apparently he'd quit his job recently, and there may have been some serious medical issue. There's a huge hospital bill from a stay no one knew he had.

He killed himself a week ago, and I've been devastated. I know I'll be OK, truly, I just need to go through the "feels".

Last year they'd told me he was between his 4th and 5th IMs, looking at the 5th, but since he'd only done the 2nd in positive, he had to go look at the issues from the 3rd and 4th. I know his history, and this would have been difficult and painful.

Here's what Michael had to say. They've talked about suicide not being an end to the pain before, but I don't remember if it was in this detail.

MICHAEL: Though we cannot conclude a diagnosis for the fragment in question, we can see that a diagnosis was moot. Dealing with the questions of life and death, pain, suffering, enduring, and the responsibility of choices within those contexts was overwhelming. Because he felt this was true for himself, it must be true for others, and this compounded the issues. We do not see that there was anything "hidden" so much as it was simply not shared.

MARTHA: well, he did say he was hiding his pain in his note


The "hiding" was a form of protection for those whom he did know loved him. We do not see any confusion about who and how much he was loved. Often that is the case for some who feel life is overwhelming.

And yes, it would appear to have been related greatly to previous Internal Monads. This process can be overwhelming, in itself. It is often the case that very old wounds are reopened. The adult mind has the capacity for processing wounds of the past, but not if that mind is "stuck there."

These deaths play in to your own Self-Karmic processes, of course. That is not to say these deaths are FOR your processes, but that they prompt your own issues regarding commitment, abandonment, honesty, responsibility, and of course, mortality.

MARTHA: why didn't he tell anyone? If it was for protection, that protection ended when he died. And he could have at least called me to say goodbye, even if I didn't know it was goodbye

MARTHA: speaking of abandonment emoticon_smile


There is no logic when the choice can be made to end one's own life in such a way. Not all choices to end one's own life are riddled with lack of logic, but when there is despair, depression, and resignation, there is rarely any intellectual processes happening in the Positive Pole. Nearly every element of the Personality and its processes are in the Negative Pole when suicide is chosen. We cannot help you make sense of something that is nonsensical, but we can help you to allow for the fact that the actions of others are not always sensible, and that they are not thinking in terms that you are thinking.

Keep in mind that this fragment was lacking in full comprehension as to the dynamic of Cause and Effect, which are developed during the 2nd Internal Monad.

MARTHA: his 2nd wasn’t positive either? They said it seemed he'd planned it for a while, all his stuff was neatly organized


Developed is not the same thing as put into practice, so what may have been developed was never fully comprehended. Planning and organizing one's suicide does not equate comprehending the impact of it. When one has begun to resign from life, the focus for what can be managed and controlled can tend to become highly focused.

We wish to make it clear before we continue any further responses that we will not be able to make this a better scenario, or to make sense of it, or to explain it away. We can only say that this fragment made a choice that was to the best of what he felt his capacity and range for choice was. To know the power of choice, and to see someone else lose that power, or use it against himself, is never easy or pleasant.

MARTHA: Oh yes, I feel so bad for him. I know he was miserable. I just wish he'd allowed me to comfort him.

MICHAEL: Martha. You can. Suicide carries with it the shock of carrying forward everything that would have been thought to have been left behind. "He" can still use your comforts.

MARTHA: Tonight there will be a lot coming his way at our gathering. Will he "be" there?


A Personality who suicides remains quite present to the life that was thought to have been left behind. They are anchored in consciousness to nearly all processes that had been thought to contribute to the choice to die. Though there is no biology involved, the Intellectual and Emotional bodies continue to process the pain of the life, with much of the Personality intact. In other words, that fragment literally "haunts" the life, moving between perspectives that are of Essence and Personality, as they process the consequences of their death, and all of the events that led up to it.

We would think "he" will be there, yes. That is common. Most fragments do attend their own funerals, or honors, commemorations, etc. but those who suicide tend to be so locked by cords to those who are still extant that they would have a difficult time avoiding such events.



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